Female Orangutans Can Now Look for Mates on Tinder at This Popular Zoo

Jay Dawson March 22nd 2017 Tech
For an orangutan in a zoo, the dating scene is tough. It’s like trying to pick up in a nursing home: it’s slim pickings, and everyone’s staring at you. You gotta feel sorry for our hairier brethren. But things are looking up, and the zoo animal ladies’ night will never be the same again. Now, those damn dirty apes have got their hands on Tinder.

Choosing A Mate

Well, a kind of Tinder, anyway. Zoologists and scientists who look after orangutans have always faced the same problem: how can we make a successful pairing with such a limited number of animals in the one spot? The answer, it turned out, was simple. Just let them choose their partner from anywhere in the world.

The Lucky Lady

The first lucky orangutan to try out the app is an 11-year-old called Samboja. She won’t have to settle for that hairy idiot in the other corner of her enclosure anymore – she’ll have male orangutans from as far away as Singapore to choose from. If it’s anything like the real Tinder, though, as soon as she signs on she’ll be flooded with offers and dick pics.

Trust Those Frisky Dutch

Of course it had to be a Dutch initiative. Those liberal Europeans are always trying to spread the free love, aren’t they? Samboja herself lives at Apenheul Primate Park in The Netherlands, where she says the local bars are “pretty dire”.

How It Works

It’s as simple as Tinder, really. Simbaja is given a tablet preloaded with the dating app, which contains images of potential mates. They might be doing push ups, kissing their biceps, polishing their shitty car without a shirt on, doing stomach crunchs, whatever. Then all she has to do is point and say the magic word: “ook”.

What She’s Looking For

This isn’t just millennials being stupid. A lot of time and research has gone into this study, and the results have been kinda surprising. Orangutans are even more like us than we thought. When looking for someone to take home for the night, it’s mostly looks that gets them through the door. In the ape world, it’s the size of the cheeks that especially makes them go wild. They’d love Kim Kardashian.

The Contenders

As we mentioned, the likely lads hail from all over the globe. Researchers have taken pains to represent as many different looking orangutans as possible, and the resulting Ape Bachelorette contestants is as diverse as an Apple advertisement. Our bet is on Todd. He’s dopey as hell but you could lose a Skittle in those dimples.

Not The First Study

Although this is the first time this kind of technology has been implemented, researchers have tried to tackle the problem before. In a weird webcam-like setup made by – who else – the Germans last year, they manage to get sparks flying between an ape there, Sinta, and a male in Belgium. Ultimately the language barrier was too much, though, and Sinta couldn’t make it down on weekends because she had to pick up her kids from hockey and why don’t you come up here for a change?

We’ve All Been There, Lady

One of the first hurdles that the Dutch researchers had to face was the problem of technology. Just like us, Samboja just couldn’t stop smashing her iPad. After a lot of embarrassed visits to that Chinese guy who does it for cheap down the road, they finally fixed one up with a steel frame. Hang on a second, we just had a great business idea…

All The Same Problems

It’s a learning curve, this research, and one of the other hurdles that the zoologists are facing is remarkably similar to those on Tinder. While the majority of the selection is indeed purely on sight, there is still a lot to do with smell, and the physical presence of the potential partner. And just like Tinder, a real, decent conversation is almost non-existent.

What We Can’t Wait To See

It is a four-year project, and researchers are quick to point out that it’s actually a slow process. But still, we can’t wait to see the first long-distance orangutan relationship really blossom. We can’t wait to see those first few horrendously awkward messages and an over-reliance on emojis. Most of all, we can’t wait for them to have a terrible break up and leak revenge orangutan nudes.

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