25 Disturbing Things You'll Only Find In Chinese Walmarts - #21 Will Stun You!

Paul W. Hewson December 7th 2016 Humor
You ever have one of those days where you’re just sitting around - probably cleaning your toenails or watching Internet porn - and stop to think “I wonder what sort of weird stuff they sell at the Walmarts in China”? Of course you have, who do you think you’re kidding? We’re on to you, pal. Anyway…

Well, the answer is “some pretty weird crap.” Oh, and “the usual stuff, too.” Don’t believe us? Well, we just happen to have some examples of this “pretty weird crap.” In fact, we have twenty-five examples of this “pretty weird crap”. That’s right, we got proof, bitches!

So, here’s twenty-five weird things you’ll only find in a Chinese Walmart.

1. Pig Faces

Whether you’re looking for the last perfect piece for that Halloween costume or you simply want to look at the face of the creature giving you all that tasty bacon, you can’t go wrong with a fresh-off-the-farm face of a pig. Whatever the reason you need it is, you know you can find them at a Walmart in Beijing. Who doesn’t want a pig face? Besides sane people, I mean.

2. Plentiful Assortment of Animal Eggs

So, you’re out grocery shopping and you come across the egg section. They have a lot of eggs there - white eggs, brown eggs, organic eggs, and non-organic eggs, apparently? How can an egg not be organic? Was it laid by a robot? Sorry, getting off track a bit.

The only downside to these eggs (besides being loaded with cholesterol)? They all come from boring old chickens. But, if you’re shopping at a Walmart in the People’s Republic, you’ll find eggs from a wide variety of egg-laying fauna. You want to make an omelet from the eggs of a platypus? Well, that’s gross, but you can probably find them here.

3. Diet Water

I hate it when I’m standing around, drinking a bottle of regular old water and everyone is looking at me. I know what they’re thinking. “Drink it up, fatty.” Thankfully, I can go to Walmart in China and pick me up a bottle of delicious and fat free Diet Water and gulp away guilt free! Why hadn’t somebody thought of this before?

4. Frozen Crocodiles

Look. I realize all cultures are different, and that food is a vital part of every culture. So, obviously, other cultures are going to have some foods that seem strange to me. That being said, who in the holy hell is actually eating crocodile?! It’s not often you find a food at a grocery store that, when it was alive, could easily murder you. Was a beloved figure in Chinese history killed by a crocodile, so the people of China get a measure of revenge by eating them? Because if that’s the case then, well, OK, I can sort of see that.

5. Snickers Packed With Batteries

Apparently, being packed with peanuts doesn’t cut it for candy bars in China. In fact, the slogan for Snickers in China is “Snickers: The Candy Bar You’ll Get A Charge Out Of!” Ha! Actually, it’s not really. It’s probably actually something in Chinese.

6. Cooking Oil Packed With Orange Juice

When you think about it, this one doesn’t seem too strange. I would imagine in some Chinese dishes, there’s probably some orange juice involved, Maybe? I dunno. I said you think about it. I’m going to go think about pizza or something.

7. Cucumber Flavored Lays

You ever eat a pickle-flavored potato chip and think “I wonder what this would taste like if it were make with a pickle before it became a pickle?” Of course you haven’t. That’s stupid. But, if you had, Lays and Chinese Walmart have teamed up to answer that question for you. Thank you, Lays and Chinese Walmart. We can all sleep easy now.

8. Live Frogs

So, are frogs really only taste good if they’re boiled alive or something? Are frogs like Chinese lobsters? Also, I used to play bass for Chinese Lobster. Well, whether you want them for food or companionship, you’ve got a selection of living lily pad hoppers at your local Chinese Walmart.

9. Live Turtles

Sure. Why not? Maybe your new frog pal wants someone to play with? Why not a turtle? Turtles and frogs get along, don’t they? If only there was a way we could find out.

10. Live Frogs Mixed With Live Turtles

Well…. OK. That’s one way to find out, I guess.

11. Shark Heads

Now, who doesn’t need a frozen shark’s head? The frozen part is actually important. You can’t keep an unfrozen shark’s head just laying around. Even decapitated from its body, a shark’s head can still come to like and murder your entire family. It’s true. My friend Steve told me.

12. Giant Containers with Rice

First off: duh. Still, despite the fact that rice is both an important export for the nation as well as a traditional staple of their diet, I’m sure than even the Chinese people have to look at the amount of rice Walmart is selling in these containers and thinking “Geez, I know we love rice and all but maybe this is going a little overboard?”

13. Dried Squids

Keeping with the “selling either entire animals or just their heads” theme that Chinese Walmart seems to be going for, we have these delicious looking dried squids. This one isn’t that weird. It’s not even that random, come to think of it. Why is it even on this list?

14. Fox Meat (sometimes sold as donkey meat)

That’s more like it.

There’s just so much weird at play here, I don’t know where to begin. I mean, I know fox hunting is a thing, but I thought it was just something snooty British people did for sport and then they just made scarves out of them or something. Is there a market for fox meat? If people are really lining up around the block to eat fox, why do they have to sometimes trick people into thinking they’re actually eating donkey? Do people really want to eat donkey? I need to lie down.

15. Meat Floss Donuts

On Jake Johannsen’s 2000 comedy album “Jake This Dot Com”, I learned of the existence of the “chicken donut”. So, I’m not entirely unfamiliar with the concept of combining meat and donuts in China. I must have missed the meeting, however, when the Chinese Council on Donut Science decided “You know what we should do? Take some meat and make it look like shredded cheese and then put it on a donut.” I bet that was a very interesting meeting.

16. Chicken Feet

I imagine these are probably used in some sort of soup? I mean, people aren’t just, you know, eating these, right? Although, I bet there was someone - maybe in China, maybe somewhere else - that was eating chicken soup and going “This is good, but you know what it really need? Feet.”

17. Bins of Sausages (Unrefrigerated)

Once you’ve eaten chicken feet and crocodile, a room-temperature sausage should probably be no big deal. You could probably ask what’s in these sausages but, considering how long they’ve been sitting out and considering the other foods in the store, does it really matter? Besides, it’s probably gerbil or something.

18. Miniature Watermelons

This little tiny watermelon is perfect for so many different kinds of people. Small children. Busy commuters who want to take the delicious taste of watermelon on the go. Midget Gallagher impersonators. Finally, a GMO we can all get behind. Thanks, science!

19. Fat Guy Underwear

Take a gander at the look of Mormon Peter Griffin’s face - this is some damn comfortable underwear. The labeling on these doesn’t mess around, either. This is underwear for fat guys. If you’re not fat and you’re not a guy, you best step off!

20. Powdered Horse Milk

Man, haven’t we humiliated horses enough? We ride on their backs. We make them pull our covered wagons and stagecoaches. Mitt Romney made one dance at the Olympics. Now, we’re milking them? And, what? They’re milk isn’t even good enough to sell as-is? We have to powder that stuff and sell it in a can, apparently. Poor horses.

21. Assorted Dried Reptile Parts

Remember, when you have a whole crocodile, you need to make sure it’s frozen. If you have it in pieces, however, just dry those suckers out like beef jerky. I don’t know why you have to do that, but if it’s how Chinese Walmart does it, who am I to argue?

22. Meat Water

Not since some mad scientist took clam juice and tomato juice and made Clamato has there been as stunning a beverage combination as this. Combining flavors like cheeseburger and peking duck to the refreshing taste of Beijing tap water, this drink sensation will overwhelm you so much, you’ll forget you’re choking to death on smog.

23. Deception of Sheep Offal

I’m guessing this is imitation sheep offal (much like imitation crab). Offal, of course, are the internal organs of an animal - which means this is essentially pretend sheep guts. For when you’re craving the unique taste of sheep intestines but you don’t want to feel like a monster. Thanks again, science!

24. Live Sea Food

Sure, this doesn’t seem that weird. Bass, salmon and red snapper are already tasty. But you know what makes them even tastier? Murdering them yourself. Maybe you could waterboard it first. The possibilities are endless.

25. Beef Granules Packed Like Sweets

Step one: take a handful of tiny pieces of beef. Maybe let it sit out in the sun for a few hours. Just for kicks. Step two: take each piece and wrap them individually in candy wrappers. Step three: hand them out on Halloween. You’ll never have to worry about trick or treaters ever again.

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