10 Reasons Why I'd Rather Date Your Sister Than Katy Perry

Johnson Pitchfork March 24th 2015 Humor

While not everybody can boldly go where no man has gone before, I steadfastly refuse to go where Russell Brand has gone before. The past belongs in the past but when that past includes a commonly known, filthy looking, nincompoop, it just can’t be ignored. I don’t care if your sister spent a summer giving handies to a Chumbawumba tribute band, just so long as she doesn’t tell me.

One night 1971, John Lennon woke Yoko Ono so she could hear a song he wrote called Imagine. I cherish my sleep so if get woken up in the middle of the night for a piano rendition of California Girls I’m gonna lose my s%&!. If I’m gonna be her Yoko, she better start writing songs like Revolution, I Want You (She’s So Heavy), and Happiness Is A Warm Gun.

Katy’s taters are meaty, beaty, big and bouncy [calm down, Katy would get the reference]. While that’s not a negative under normal circumstances, it’s a statistical fact that women with larger breasts are more likely to drown if stranded in open water than women with mosquito bites. Not that I’m a big boater but I’d rather not have to avoid a potentially fun hobby for the rest of my life just because she’s more vulnerable to catastrophe. #theWho

Katy’s first hit song was called I Kissed a Girl, which, given her strict religious upbringing, seems more like one of those desperate cries for attention than a song born from personal experience. Your sister legit once kissed a chick, I know this because of the Facebook.

While Katy has a penchant for costume play, it does me no good since I don’t have a Candyland fetish. If Katy really wanted to dress like a sexy boardgame to turn me on she’d find herself a Mousetrap outfit. Until then I’ll settle for your sister’s clubbin’ dress paired with the hooker heels I saw in that Facebook thing I told you about earlier.

Besides being perpetually on tour, Katy is involved with numerous charities leaving little time and energy for romantic pursuits. Your sister on the other hand, is a local girl with little practical ambition and would drop every one of her extracurricular activities for a chance at love.

Katy is one of those celebrity-girls that claims she spends her downtime in sweatpants and a t-shirt. The more likely truth is she wears some sort of sequined jumpsuit with no less than three thousand peacock feathers attached to it. The fact of the matter is, this girl wouldn’t know how to relax if I laced her drink with with a fistful of rufulin and put a quarter in the coin operated bed at the no-expense motel I dragged her unconscious body to.

During this year’s Super Bowl halftime performance, Katy was outshined by one of her backup dancers. Ten years from now, “Left Shark” will be answer to a trivial pursuit question. Your sister would never let some clown in a fish costume outshine her, and that’s one of the things I love about her.

Katy’s parents are born again Christians. In-laws are tough enough to deal with as it is but throw in the fact that she’s a celebrity, I’ll never be able to live up to their expectations. Your parents, however, would love to have a good kid like me around to help them forget what a miserable pile of crap their other child is.

Have you ever looked into Katy Perry’s eyes? I’ve only seen pictures but the cold penetrating feeling of that 500 yard stare is chilling to the bones. I just know she’d use that look to devour my everlasting soul; and for those of you that know me, I don’t have much of my soul left to give. I’ll stick with your sister who remains blind to my flaws and only sees my one solid strength: I have nowhere else to go.